It has been a little nutty out there, my friends. It is okay to have a nervous quiet laugh or silent nod in reaction to that statement. Trust me, I am not safe from these feelings myself, there have been some tears, anger, anxiety fueled cleaning, etc. Specifically, tonight, I have been thinking about the heartaches and pains of those that I love. There are some of you that I am thinking about by name tonight, there are some of you that I know are in my community that are struggling tonight but have not reached out. A few years ago, I found that the practice of lighting a candle when things were painful or confusing to be therapeutic. I was inspired by someone else’s practice (also slightly by Catholism.) To me, the act of lighting a candle is a physical act of placing light into the spaces where there is darkness and pain. For so many of you tonight, I have decided to light a candle, speak a blessing, and place a bit of light into those places of pain and darkness…
For Loss of Dream Jobs and Educational Opportunities
I am thinking about the friends who had dream jobs and were pursuing educational opportunities, who are now sitting on the floor in their living room, their backs to the furniture, wondering why they are back home and if these opportunities will come back to them. You are struggling to feel your loss fully because you are seeing the tragedy and loss of life swirling around you, and you do not want to seem as if you are lamenting something seeming small. Yet, you just want to say “I do not want to be here, and I am angry and sad about it.” I believe that there will be restoration, but for tonight, I am lighting my lemon cookie candle for you, for these dreams and beautiful things that were happening. I am holding the space for your heart tonight and know that you can spill this grief out if you need to.
For Those Who Do Not Feel Like Themselves
My friends who are struggling to feel like themselves, I see you tonight. I know that you are smiling for your family and brushing it aside, “Yeah, it’s a bit weird, but we are making it.” I see you taking walks, cooking, working on that project, consuming jokes about this time, laughing it all off, etc. I know you are doing everything that you can to make this time “normal” not only for yourself but for your family. I am thinking of you that are also feeling like your family, partner, etc. do not seem to understand why you cannot be okay or why you are struggling. I am lighitng my Lilac and Hyacinths candle for you. There is a space for grief to be present. We see every single piece of you- every tear that is falling in silence, every tightening of the blanket covering you, every fake laugh, every time that your arms long to be hugged, and every moment you want to slam your hand on the steering wheel, and know that we love every single piece of you no matter what. Please reach out, my friends.
For The Brokenhearted
My friends who are quietly heartbroken, the ones who are experiencing the loss of friendships, loves, affection- no matter how large or small, I see you. Your loss has a place in this mess. You may be chiding yourself, telling yourself that this is not necessary to feel these feelings. Maybe these are guilty, this could be someone that you feel you are not supposed to feel tender towards. Maybe these affections blew back in your face right before this time happened, and you are now faced with healing when you are isolated. You wake up to the tape of “they are taken” or “they don’t want me” or “we are done” in the same breath that you remember everything else that is happening right now. I know the pain of heartbreak so well, my love. I cannot imagine feeling what you are feeling and still struggling through this time. For you, I lit my favorite scent of “Mulled Cider” so you would know that there is space for all of your anger, disappointment, and longing. Your broken heart always has a listening, nonjudgmental, confidential ear in me.
For Those Terrified
To my friends who are terrified, know that we see you tonight. I know that you are terrified that your kid will bring back this thing everytime they leave you, terrified that when you are shopping for food there will be that small particle that affixes itself to you, feeling that no matter how much you clean and cover yourself you are unsafe. I know that anxiety is exausting. You wake up and that tape starts chirping in your ear. I am lighting my Gingerbread scented candle for you, in the hopes that you find a sense of comfort tonight. This will not always be this way; there will be a time when we will go out to eat, we will sing along to all the horrible summer pop songs. We will sit extra close to each other and steal each other’s fries. It is okay to be a little terrified right now; it is scary existing in the unknown. Know that you have people that love you and will not go away just because you are having a normal reaction to this present time.
For Those Who Feel Alone
My friends who feel alone tonight, who feel like the world has forgotten you, you are in my heart. Maybe you are now struggling to pay your bills, and you just feel powerless. Maybe it has been so long since you have touched another human being that you feel like you will shrink back at human interaction when it happens again. Maybe you have gotten into the car that always transported you places and you felt that your muscle memory was gone and you were going to get into a car wreck. Maybe you are an essential worker who is trying so hard not to break down into screams and cries every time you leave the house. Maybe you are a parent now having to educate your children and you feel alone or that you are “doing it wrong.” Maybe you are a teacher who is struggling to not cry with your students over video calls, when all you want to do is sit next to them and say “yes, I am sad and heartbroken too.” Maybe you live alone and you see the photos and stories of your loved ones being in community and sitting close, and you feel so much ache. I am lighting my apple spice candle for you all tonight, for people that just do not feel okay. It is okay to not be okay. Reach out to those who love you, my guess is that they feel the same. I promise your heart is safe with us.
I leave you all with a parting thought, a piece that I wrote in 2015 when I had regained something that I believed was forever lost to me. This is about restoration, about the fleeing of darkness. I hope that you feel hope in reading this tonight. Please reach out to myself or someone else if you are struggling. We will get through this time together, even if we stumble across the finish line a little tear stained, wine drunk, and shaking…..
“We are walking in the light, Eyes wide open, hands lifted high, The warmth kissing our faces. Darkness is cowering in the west as dawn is breaking thru, skies are turning purple and orange…Light has returned.
We are standing up in the light, wearing confidence like skin. The fear is leaving, the light has come. Shadows have shrunk; monsters are morphing. The landscape has been reborn. We are standing up next to each other
Breathing in the light, as the dark leaves our lips. People know, they feel, they are there, growing roots into our soul.
The leaves are blowing away, the branches are breaking. This moment is a rebirth. The past cries out a wretched last gasp. Its life is being taken from its fingertips. The blood has been spilled, its skin is turning to dust. We are a purposeful future”
