No, I Am Not Engaged, But Here Are Some Musings on Marriage (Part 1)
“Going to the Chapel”……”because you love me”….”from this moment on”- these tiny snippets of songs were the soundtrack to much of my childhood, in-between songs from Veggie Tales. When I was young, my dad owned a videography business, filming and editing primarily weddings (yes, dance recitals too, but a LOT of weddings.) I had these clunky black shoes and black pants that I would wear on the days that I got to go with him to help, often monitoring the stationary camera, carrying equipment, and getting to be a part of the epic process. This experience meant that I got to witness the pomp, the lovely, the strange, and above all, the importance of a non-dry wedding cake. There were couples that went on to be together for a long time and folks that divorced quickly or years later. We were witness to these public actions, for better or worse.
I have always known, after seeing so many, that if I chose to get married, my party and relationship dynamic would be very different than what I have always witnessed in these affairs. However, I never really dived into what is the purpose of a wedding, which then sent my head to the next layer of thinking. This includes, but is not limited to, questions on “what is marriage”, “what is a the purpose of a wedding”, “what is a relationship outside of this,” etc. Everything slightly blew up in my head more when I stumbled upon a book detailing the history of marriage, why people got married, and what has changed. In the past, people often got married due to the desire to maintain power, retain money or land, political gain, or to produce an heir (which connects to the previous three.)Marriage was a strategic decision, and one sometimes made on behalf of both individuals.
In the United States, as women’s rights increased, marriages changed. Through the invention of “The Pill,” many women were able to have greater autonomy over their bodies, strengthening their ability to build careers, etc. Their lives were not built around their biology, instead, they could make their way uninhibited through the world. I would argue that this invention and feminist movements made it so marriage was not a necessity for women. As this progress continued, equality was gained among inter-racial and LGTBQ+ couples. As of this moment in time, May of 2021, monogamous marriage is available to any adult.
Glancing over the history of marriage caused my brain to start questioning why people get married in this present time. As a cis-gender woman, I have the freedom to have a career, own property, have a kid (if I want), and control my finances without a spouse. There is no political or familial necessity for me to get marriage. On paper, I am not considered less than for not being married. I can choose to even carry my family’s name if I so desire. So, rather than soley listening to the tape looking at all sides swirling around in my head, I decided to ask my loved ones for feedback, married and unmarried alike. I asked the good folks of Facebook why they choose to get married or choose not to… thinking that I might get a handful of perspectives….
Alas, my community showed up in the form of over 5,000 words total in response. I had public comments, private messages, moments where people were validated and had a space to share, comments that were sentimental, comments full of fierce independence, and so much more. Even as I am typing this out, I am daunted by the idea of how to compile the feedback that I was given. Each and every perspective unfolded was hearts opened, all on the table, and breathtaking authentic. I will not be able to fit each and every quote, and I will take out identifiable details out of respect for folks that privately messaged me. As I read (and re-read so many of the comments), I feel that many perspectives could be separated into some similar categories….
- “Let’s show the world we want this forever, and we are a team”
- “I was supposed to do this”
- “I don’t know, don’t have an opinion, but I’m cool either way”
- “It is not for me” (Either by choice or they felt that it was God-ordained for them not to be married)
- “Religion told me to”
Love and religion…. these were the two main ideas that most people’s responses could fall under the why people chose to get married spot. On the flip side, love and self-awareness was what folks often cited as the reasons that they chose not to get married or why marriage action was deemed not a necessity to the relationship. In a three-part blog, I will unpack both major categories of feedback, saying yes for love and/or religion, as well as touching on the why folks have chosen not to or traditions have not adapted to how they love.
“I have no opinion” or “My love is a circle heart trying to fit in a legal square”- The undecided and/or independent voter
“So, will I get married? I have absolutely no idea. Am I opposed? No. Do I need it? Also no.” — “I DO want to get married…..The very big problem here is that I’m polyamorous. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it, and I absolutely could NOT commit myself to one person with no room for other relationships.”—“I knew by my mid twenties that I didn’t want to be married or have children. This has been solidified even more as I’ve gotten older... I knew my personality well enough to know I require a lot of time for me, travel, work that I love, etc. my dog that I’m obsessed with. All of this led me to reality at marriage isn’t what would be right for me.”
First of all, I want to say a huge thank you to the folks that put themselves out there to say, “I don’t know”, “Hell no!”, and “I love in a way that society has not figured out how they want to capture in a legal document.” In so many ways, I feel that these are the folks brave enough to say what so many people have mulled over since marriage became a choice over a necessity in society. Additionally, the folks that stated that they are polyamourous in a world where “married” means monogamous at this time have my utmost gratitude for their authenticity. It is wild to think how many relationships would have fit into this idea, that their love was not allowed to be seen as a marriage, such as inter-racial marriages and many LGTBQ+ couples; these court decisions are not as far away from present time as people think. In some ways, I wonder if I would have been a person that had chosen not to get married until many more of my loved ones would have that choice.
Though the comment above about the decision to not marry is one individual, there are folks that I love and adore who have chosen that the confines of a marriage, that type of commitment is not something that they want. These are individuals who do not love less, rather they are the folks that I often find myself feeling quite adored and accepted around. They have given me “adult milk” and cookies after long festival days, traveled with me, worked with me, giggled over their lovers, and boldly said that marriage was not for them and they always knew that about themselves.
I feel that though we have moved so far in our society towards diminishing these marital standards, I would like to strongly say to every person that has chosen not to get married, your hearts and love are no less. In a world that often asks, “is this the ‘one’?” kudos to you for bolding saying this is the one that you love, that it does not need to be just one person, or that you love in ways that are outside of romance. Your hearts are large and beautiful, and I thank you so much for your willingness to share with me.
Lastly, to close out this part, to my friends who are uncertain, I am waving to you on this road we are on in figuring it out. I am hoping to untangle some of my own thoughts on this topic through these pieces of writing, and I wish you so much well on this journey we are all on.
Onto Part 2…..as we tackle the very easy topic of religion and marriage… *cue laugh track*
