No, I Am Not Engaged, But Here Are Some Musings On Marriage (Part 2)
CW: Religious themes. Sexual and domestic abuse mentioned.
I struggled with starting, editing this piece, and getting to the place of publishing this piece. When I asked for feedback on why folks chose or chose not to get married, I was thrilled to hear all of the reasons, having zero clue what to expect. What emerged was an overwhelming number of people who said that they married due to their religion-whether their beliefs were instructing this step or it was the means to sexual intimacy. In addition to public response, I also received a handful of private messages similar in reason, that their religion dictated this choice, including some people who stated that it was the “worst decision” that they had ever made.
I want to be honest before I speak further. In these past five years, I have seen so much more of the ugly side of religion. Though there are many of individuals who are religious and filled with love and light, I have seen more pain and unkindness at the hand of those with religion in these past few years than I have seen in my lifetime. I have really contemplated how to write this particular piece with equal parts grace and understanding while allowing the space for people to grieve what happened to them when they followed their religion’s advisement and were left with a broken heart. Bear with me through these words, and know that wherever you land on this religious (or for some, lack thereof) spectrum, you are welcome in this space. My upbringing has been evangelical Christianity, so though I speak of religion in broad terms in this piece, note that I am often speaking from my perspective (though I will argue that there is much rhyming of these ideas among many of other religions).
“In the Beginning….”
We should start with a brief history for those perhaps new to the marriage for religion conversation. If you are a Christian, marriage is a “covenant,” an oath. It is to be a reflection of ones’ relationship with God, a fusing of two individuals into a unit. If you are Christian, you may or may not have the belief that this is only meant for a cisgender man and a cisgender woman. It is this idea of a lifelong commitment to be with the other individual and that is sacred. Often, I have seen that this oath and agreement was to be held above all other things, more on that later.
Authors of the faith have written countless books, sermons, and small group materials on this topic, a few examples being the following: “The Purpose Driven-Wife”…. “Love & Respect”….. “For Women Only”…. “Secure in Love”…. “The Marriage Cure”….. “The Power of a Praying Wife”… “Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together” It is a topic that I often saw in my childhood as a very definitive idea. Marriage was the end goal, and life was not to begin until this goal was reached.
What I find so fascinating is how my generation (and the previous one) of all religion raised individuals has morphed, adapted, and often carried out this reason for marriage. In these next few points, I am going to break down the marriage for religion idea with what folks sent me and my own thoughts.
“Not good for man (woman, people) to be alone”
“I got married because God created us to need help from a suitable partner. More importantly, God created a suitable partner for each of us.” “I was never meant to be alone. God knew that. (Partner’s name) was never meant to be alone. God knew that as well”..” “I believe marriage is a sacred thing established by God, and because I greatly value my walk with God, I want to honor Him with any romantic relationship I have…Marriage is important to society, God-honoring, and binding between two people both emotionally and physically.”
I find this reason at first thought to actually be quite endearing. It is this idea that our hearts are not meant to exist alone, that we are meant to find our soulmate. My partner and I had a discussion on this topic a few months ago, whether we believed in romantic soulmates, a person meant just for you in a romantic sense. To me, it is a beautiful concept, but it does hold some problematic complexities for me.
This concept establishes the idea that friends, family, work, etc., are less fulfilling, that you are alone until you have made a commitment. It could lend itself to seeing unmarried folks as not whole. This is something that I have seen in my childhood, that people in my circle have credibility when they are married. Your relationship is validated at the point of rings and wedding cake cutting. This is not just the affirming the relationship as committed, but this is also weight that I have seen couples give themselves. Regardless of how healthy (and sometimes unhealthy) their relationship is, I have seen some individuals elevate themselves as being “love experts” with all the answers. This is not to say that married folks cannot give or have relationship advice, but I find it fascinating how others have attributed inherent wisdom to married folks. As someone who has friends who have never been married but are in deeply committed relationships and hold a breadth of wisdom, I get a little cringed at this concept that wisdom and validity come with a legal commitment.
Generally, I believe our lives are enriched when we invite others into our story, whether a very compatible partner or a friend. We grow more as people, adventures begin, and our lives are just more colorful. It is a lot of pressure to put on a partner, to be an end all be all, puzzle piece fit. In thinking about this idea, I immediately think about my best friend, or my “soulmate” as I like to call them (yes, you can laugh that I have just dissuaded the idea of a soulmate above, but I am calling someone this in my life). This is the person who has witnessed every phase of my hot mess from the hot mess starting in 2011, spanning past the dumpster fire me of 2014, continuing on through 2017 to present and every other year found in the in-between. They are a necessary piece of my life and are just as important to me as my romantic relationship.
Without this person, without others who I love in my life, then I would be expecting my current partner to be my sole fulfillment. I have witnessed a lot of stress and frustration from unmarried friends of mine in religion who are unmarried, and it breaks my heart as I wonder how much of life is being missed by holding out for this puzzle piece, rather than embracing the world around them. In my adult years, I have seen people who should definitely not get married immediately jump into unhealthy marriages because they were desperate to not be alone, believing that they were meant to settle down as soon as possible. In conclusion of this point, I believe there is a beauty in keeping one’s heart open for the love that there is to receive, whether platonic or romantic.
“Two become one flesh”-aka “Let’s talk about sex, baby”
“I got married because I was pregnant and was pressured to ‘do the right thing’.” “Sex being married was WAY BETTER than not. God’s got a good plan in marriage.” “Another reason, also tied to the Church, which is selfish, but this was the only way I was going to have the opportunity for sex. Sexual pleasure of any kind, is considered to be the third most grievous sin. By being married, one can finally express those pent up feelings.” “I married her dad because that was what I was told was the ‘way to make it right’. I had subsequent kids with my husband. Because that would ‘make it right’. I endured YEARS of abuse in a horribly toxic marriage because it was what was ‘right.’”
There were quite a few responses from these religious individuals that could be summarized as “I got married because I wanted sex.” Even aside from the formal responses I received, I know a handful of folks who tied the knot because that meant that sex would be permissible. I think the quote and the heat when Rege Jean Page says in the show Bridgerton “I burn for you,” describes that initial mindset of those who I know who decided lifelong legal commitment for sex. If you are not religious, this likely makes zero sense, but for those of us who grew up in the religious land, this is not shocking.
“Committing sins of the flesh” meant a tarnished soul separation from God, and even being engulfed in the underworld. There are stories upon stories of horrendous object lessons from youth groups talking about how people are less than if they have sex outside of legal marriage, including comparing their worth to a cup of spit, shreds of roses or paper, etc. (all true. trust me.) Count it because I have been reading a lot of re-tellings of Hades and Persephone, but I feel the concept of this is how sex outside of marriage was often framed in my childhood from church and youth group leaders. Good Christians were Persephone who could be lured into eating the pomegranate, that is sex, and be tied to the Underworld. What I find to be a fascinating juxtaposition to this is how women in Christianity were simultaneously Persephone and Hades, the innocent and temptress.
When affairs were spoken of in straight couples, it was always the woman’s fault. She was spoken of as the sneaky, cunning, improper individual who preyed upon the struggling man. Additionally, women, as a whole, were portrayed as weak, capable of being swayed at a moment’s notice by their feelings. Even sexual assault or harassment have often been seen as the woman’s fault in many (not all) religious spaces and/or religious individuals (I can attest to this with my own personal experience). This mindset, I personally believe, is destructive not only towards women, but it reduces men to be animalistic in viewing (this is not even touching on how these ideas impact folks who are non-binary, LGTBQIA+, etc.)
These ideas I bring up are to give more context and explanation around why I believe in some possible unconscious ways that this married for sex reason is so prominent. In addition to the religious belief (the abstaining and honoring God reason), I also believe it is an unconscious tethering. If a marriage commitment is made, then the person is seen as “settled” and more stable. Maybe, there is the idea that they will not be at risk of being seduced or seducing by getting married.
There are folks that I see now who got married for sex, and I know they are happy. They had a best friend, marriage was chosen for sex, and they have been together ever since. On the other side, I see others who have some sadness behind their eyes. They married for sex, and their lives have not taken the trajectory that they wanted. There is a level of ache in them. I believe to a degree that though they made their own decisions, it is not their fault. They were not given alternative choices, so they made what they believed to be the best choice at the time.
Some of the most heart-wrenching responses that I received from a few individuals were from folks who had sex before they were legally married, became pregnant, and were coerced into getting married. The assumption was if they got married then they would be absolved, and their choice would suddenly be okay. There were folks that said that this situation lead to heartache, abuse, and pain. I have folks close to me who became pregnant, got legally married, and have been so happy ever since, but for some, there was no other option presented to them. Though I would like to believe that there has been a culture shift and that individuals who have sex before marriage and become pregnant have options, I know that there are still deep roots of forcing individuals to “live with their mistake.” This completely disregards cases of sexual assault, of manipulation, of incorrect (or lack thereof sex education), etc.
Marriage for sex is complicated. Even as a very sex-positive, ex-evangelical person, I have so much empathy for folks navigating this space. It is complex to figure out what your beliefs are, how to make healthy relationship decisions, how to navigate religion with your desires, and to navigate any guilt that may show up regarding any of these facets. Above all, I believe that marriage for sex is not the end of the story, that folks are not meant to live their life in abusive, unhealthy, unfulfilling relationships just to keep the status quo. It is deep within me that I know life is meant to be so much more gracious. If you are someone who is in an abusive marriage where you got married for sex, know that there are resources, supports, and information out there for folks navigating religion and leaving. If you are someone who is unsure how to navigate guilt over sex because you were always taught that your sexual desires are forbidden fruit, know that your body, your heart, your feelings are not bad; they are good and beautiful. If you are someone who married for sex and feels like you made the wrong choice, you are not a bad person; life is not over for you, and if you do not want that relationship anymore, you can start anew.
There are so many pieces we could discuss more on marriage and religion. I tried to summarize what folks told me and my own thoughts with grace and care, but I get it wrong often. To every person who shared their heart on this topic, especially to those of you who private messaged me-your words are safe; I am honored that you were vulnerable. Join us in our final piece in this series where I discuss those who married for love (plus some other miscellaneous reasons) as well as my own “why I would get married” thoughts.
