No, I Am Not Engaged, But Here Are Some Musings On Marriage (Part 3)
Are you still with me after part 2? Have you decided that my writing is crap and never to be read again? I have to be honest; I was holding my breath publishing part 2. I hoped it was safe to those of you who married for religion and/or sex. Initially, I had plans of making this a single piece, then it became a two part, then I realized that this needed to be a three piece sort of writing, so thank you to every person that has still stuck around for the final part (you know, waiting for the finale for the past few years).
We have talked about a handful of perspectives, but I want to share some of the lingering answers to the “why marriage” question that I find to be so fascinating. Some of these last answers were gathered not just through my massive social media question, but also through just asking the question point blank to a handful of folks that I know. In the following few sections, we will cover marriage for family building, marriage for love and love alone, and my own thoughts…
“I’ll make the world safe and sound for you…” (Hamilton)
“I wanted to create my own family, to have stability.” “I always knew I wanted to be married, and I think having babies is strongly interwoven with that desire. By nature I am a very maternal person and felt as though I was meant to take care of a family.” “ I got married because I wanted to build a family… I loved who I was dating and we wanted to have children. I wanted us all to share the same last name and truly build a UNIT.”
I first want to say that the marriage for creating a “traditional” family (two parents with children) comments were not all from women. Often, I find that the stereotype tends to skew towards this idea that women (trans and cis) want to have children, that it is innately in them this dream to reproduce, to mother. I found that in my experience that it is something that I have seen folks of all gender identities desire or completely dissuade.
I feel that many folks that marry for reasons other than a family often are the victim of other’s imposing ideas on this topic. Some individuals experience this as a pressure. Some as constant teasing, while others may experience this as an invalidation of their family unit of two. I feel this gets at a bigger question of “what is a family?”, but that would have to be a piece for another day.
Whether you got married with a children goal in mind, got married and children were already around, or got married and children unexpectedly came into the picture-I just want to send my huge kudos and applause. It takes a wealth of patience and care to parent well, to raise kids to be empathetic and kind (for those single parents reading, you have double my admiration). From what you all have told me, it is not an easy task. My hope is that all of us with no kids right now (and/or any pending plans at this moment) are creating a safer, kinder world for your kiddos to grow up within.
“Look in my heart, and let love keep us together”-Captain & Tennille
“My spouse made reality appealing to me for the first time in my entire life.”…” I got married because I believed that with a partner I could do more than I could single in working in church ministry and missionary work”… “It was the thing to do, plus I loved my high school sweetheart! It’s been almost 43 years, so I guess it was a good decision!”… “I married because I found someone that made me a better person and made me want to continue to be an even better person. It’s not that I don’t think I’m ‘good enough’ to stand on my own, but he brings out parts of me that I didn’t even know I had. I want to be the person he believes I am.”… “I married my best friend. We have alot in common. Have always had each others back.”… “I wanted the sense of permanent partnership — having that someone by your side through thick and thin.”… “I think why I got married was the fact that I truly had a deep connection with the man I married. I don’t think I’d say yes to anyone else.”
As I was filtering though my unedited responses around marrying for love, my heart swelled at the tender, sweet ways that folks reflected on their relationships, years of love, and the coming to the conclusion that it was simply their partner and love that sent them down aisles, signing names on legal documents. For many of people responding to this question of “why marriage?”, love was the reason. They saw themselves through their partner’s eyes,vice versus, and chose to be with that person, working as a team.
“I’m not in a rush to get married because it’s nothing other than a title change to me and my fiancé but we’ve been together for nearly 10 years and it truly seems like societal norms and the questions keep coming on when we’re doing it so truthfully, we decided why not?!”… “I think my reasoning for wanting to get married is because it just confirms the love we both have for each other. I have a traditional heart with a non traditional mind lol. I think it’s just a connection that I feel makes our love deeper that we can promise before our friends and family that we will be there for each other through anything and everything.”… “Marriage is a commitment that means a lot. I wanted to get married because I wanted to show that commitment to my husband”.. “I also really love and appreciate my parter, and I think it will be beneficial for the future”… “There are so many horrible stories of having to hide love within the gay community that I can’t even imagine hiding my love for someone just because we’re the same sex. This is a freedom and if I find my true love I want to marry them to share a beautiful life together but to also honor every person that has had to hide or who fought for this freedom that I have.”… “Marriage is primarily a commitment two people make to each other that whatever turns life brings, they will face them together. I can’t imagine what my life would have been had I not met Georgia 40+ years ago. I’ve had her as my partner for those years and look forward to many more, however many the Lord gives us.”… “He was and still is the keeper of my stars”
I do not claim to speculate the deeper levels of love as a reason, but what I have inferred (or read explicitly from some folks) is that marriage is not the ceremony or the pomp, rather it is the public commitment to something deep within that they already know. While the giant party and formality may have been delightful, these individuals chose (or plan to choose) marriage because it was their partner, and there was no simpler decision.
“WHAT DO YOU THINK, EM?!?!”
I have had this lingering idea in my head for a long time, really focusing in on this idea and my feelings on it for the past few years. I have been trying to mull over back and forth why I would support or not support marriage. I solicited other’s feedback, I had conversations in other’s homes. I fielded the panic of my loved ones finishing “A Marriage Story.” I dipped into the beauty of reception party planning in my head to escape the horrors of 2020–2021 pandemic gloom. I saw “Company” in New York. I have unpacked and repacked this a great deal, and I have decided that the following quotes from my loved ones is a summarization of my thoughts…
“..the healthiest and most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever been in isn’t a romantic one: it’s the platonic-life-mateship I’ve fallen into with…My definition of ‘fulfilling relationship,’ now, is a relationship where both people feel understood, valued, and comfortable in their own skin, and that’s us.”-J
“I think marriage is cool, I also think it’s cool if you just want to live with your partner.”-T
“I’ve also gone back and forth on it because regardless of a marriage certificate or anything in the end does it really matter”-A
“”I’ve never thought much about it. I always wanted to get married, so long as I still kept my independence…..With the right person, you can always keep your independence.”-R
“He is my family. This puts him in the sight of everyone as my first family.”-K
“This is a label desired, but to me it’s just her.”-M
The fancy is fun, the legality is a plus but at the end of the day, it is the commitment and love that I have that would inform the decision for me. At the time of writing this, I am in a 4+ and counting year relationship. I have no idea what the future holds, but I do know a few things. The love that I have found in friendships and deep relationships is not cheaper than the love that I have in my current relationship. I know that I will always be an independent feisty person, and I will always strive to have my own hobbies, my own ideas, and my own relationships. I desire a life of adventure and love; if the formal commitment of marriage fits in that, yay! For me, to summarize as the above states, if I get married…. “This is a label desired (by society), but to me…it just (them).”
