I know that the goodbye and reunions are the normal for some people. They release their loved ones to a job trip, a tour overseas, a college semester, etc. Time is measured by these patterns. These folks are well acquainted with the releasing and the beautiful coming back together.
There have been seasons of not seeing people that I love. For example, winter time can be a difficult time as seasonal affective sets in. It makes doing stuff after work hours take a lot of energy that I do not always possess. There are times when my loved ones are involved in intensive projects, schooling, and jobs that make their presence a rarity. I had been preparing for an upcoming season of this, plotting tiny ways to show affection and see the ones that I hold dear….
Then this *thing that shall not be named* completely derailed everything. As I was emerging from my blanket of seasonal affective issues, I was being informed of things such as “self-quarantine” and “social distancing.” This became real when I could not hug my partner for the first time. The world was seemingly crashing and going into mass chaos, and we could not hold each other close.
Here we are, a few weeks into this new normal, and I just miss the embrace of my loved ones. I dream about what that day will look like when we break this time of quarantine, and I get to hug my partner for the first time in a long time. I thought about it and decided to write a bit about how I think it will look…..
When I get to hug you, let’s be honest, it will play out like a romantic comedy ending. I will get out of my car, slowly because I will not be able to believe that you are in front of my eyes. I will clasp my hands over my mouth (so controversial) because you are in front of me and are not just a photo on a screen, a voice-less text, a body from a distance away, or a sound on a phone call.
I imagine that I will just stand there. I will recall all the moments that we laughed over ridiculous things but over the phone rather than in person. I will remember being curled up on my bed after a horrifically long day at work with tears heading towards my ears as no one was able to hug me and laugh about it over dinner. I will remember the times when stress was so high, and I could not think straight. As I roll back my brain, I will see us sitting in your car for the last time as we knew that we could not hug each other goodbye. I will feel anger over how long it took for us to get to this moment of coming together, so much unnecessary time because so many people could not abide by the idea of staying home. I will then feel a relief that seems so foreign because this time is done.
I will then run to you. I will probably take you off of your feet, because let’s be realistic, I have a tendency to discombobulate your balance. I will nestle my whole self into your embrace. I will absolutely cry because my brain will remember the scent of your cologne and how your suit-jacket feels on my face when I hug you. I will not stop hugging you for a least a few minutes. We will go on to do whatever random run for ice cream or dinner consuming that we have planned, and I will absolutely not let your hand go because I will be nervous that you will disappear again. The wait was so hard, but the reunion was unlike anything else.
My brain conjures up this image and this reunion, and I start to get a little lump in my throat. I tell myself “soon” when “soon” is not guaranteed. I wake up every morning hoping that we are closer to the end of this. I say my prayers for peace and grace and dream of holding you close. “Someday” will happen and be in our present. My heart and arms are standing here waiting outstretched to every one of you.
“You’ll never know how many dreams
I’ve dreamed about you
Or just how empty they all seemed without you
So kiss me once, then kiss me twice
Then kiss me once again
It’s been a long, long time”- Jule Styne and Sammy Cahn
